Episode 5: When I Get It Wrong

In this episode of Both Sides of the Couch, Kari gets honest about imperfection,  the kind therapists aren’t always allowed to show. She explores what it means to make mistakes in the therapy room, how she recognizes when she’s missed the mark, and why taking responsibility strengthens rather than damages relationships.

Kari shares her own experiences of acknowledging errors with clients, reflecting on moments she’s caught them later, and the courage it takes when a client calls out a mistake she didn’t notice. She also discusses the importance of modeling accountability, not defensiveness, and draws parallels to the medical world, where chronic illness patients often face providers who struggle to admit when they’re wrong.

The core message? Admitting mistakes is an act of integrity, not failure. It creates trust, repair, and connection in therapy, in medicine, and in everyday relationships.

✨ Takeaway: Practice saying, “I made a mistake.” Small acts of accountability build the muscle to handle bigger moments with compassion, confidence, and care.

Transcript

0:02

Welcome to both sides of the couch. I'm Carrie, a therapist who also happens to be a human navigating chronic illness, which means I see life from both sides. This is where I share honest stories, lessons, and little reminders that you don't have to have it all figured out to keep showing up. Let's get into today's episode. Therapists aren't perfect. Sometimes we miss the mark. Today we're talking about making mistakes, also known as being human. If you've ever wondered if your therapist gets it wrong, trust me, we struggle just as much as you do. So I would say personally, I often make mistakes as a therapist. I think sometimes people forget how human we are, that we're living our life just like our clients are sometimes like moments before we enter a session. So I am not unaware of the fact that me being human affects me as a therapist sometimes. And sometimes even if I'm not being human and I'm like the best possible therapist in that moment, I could still get it wrong. I cannot read people's minds. I don't know my clients as well as they know themselves. Most of them I'm talking to at most an hour a week. So I don't always know best, even though people might think the therapist does. Sometimes when I make a mistake with clients, I notice right away I can see on their body language, or they're telling me and I'm like, Ooh, I said something incorrectly. And in that moment I can kind of check in with the client or. Scale back a little and be like, oh, let me, let me get a do over. I think that I said that wrong, or I must be on the wrong track here. Help me out. Sometimes I don't recognize the mistake until later after the session. Maybe I'm thinking about it, maybe I'm writing my note, maybe I'm doing something in the evening and it just pops into my mind and I'm like, Ooh, I don't think that landed the way that I wanted it to. Or I fear that maybe misinterpreted, I come back in the next session or maybe if it feels more pressing, I might reach out to the client between sessions, but typically come back that next session and I check, do my normal check-in, and then I'm like, Hey, I wanted to bring up something I said, and last session after reflecting on it, I think I made a mistake. I might have offended you, or I want a chance to correct what I said. And we talk about that. I find that usually is received very well with clients as with people, right? I mean, we like when people take responsibility. We like when people can admit they're not perfect, and we love when people can correct that. So it's one thing to be like, oh, I made a mistake. But another thing to be like, oh, I made a mistake. Let me make up for it. Let me fix what I did if possible. So sometimes though I, I'll admit I probably miss it totally. I don't even know that I made the mistake, and there's probably many occasions to this day, I still don't know that I messed something up. But I love when clients do bring up my mistakes to me and ones that I've missed. Uh, I know how hard that is because I have done that as a client. I've had to confront a therapist for something they did that was harmful to me. And of course, me as a therapist, like I know your intent was not to harm me. And maybe clients see it that way too. So if I know your intent wasn't to harm me, it makes it easier for me to bring it up and be like, Hey, look, I know that this isn't your intent, but here's how it landed and here's how it affected me. And I'm very specific. I will always tell people whether it's in therapy or not in therapy as a client or not. Here's what I need you to do to rectify it. Here's what I need to hear from you in your own words. So I'm pretty good at being assertive. I will say though, like as a therapist, sometimes I feel caught off guard when I have not noticed that I've done something wrong and the client brings it up to me. I'm like, what? Like floored, right? But when I get that feeling, I always know it's a time to check in. Okay, stop. You gotta listen. Explore this, understand their perspective, see what they saw. So that's kinda my focus in session. And then once I get to that point, and only once I get to that point am I like, okay, here's what I did wrong. I'm so sorry that it affected you in this way. I definitely had no intent to harm you. Here's how we can fix this, or tell me how we can fix this. Let's work together to fix this. I know on the other side of that, as the client, when the therapist is like, huh, like they have no idea, like they're ready, they've got their agenda to check in for session, you're just like, oh, by the way, last session, what you said really pissed me off and I wanted to bring it to your attention. Like, if they don't respond in an open manner, it is very hard. As the client to be able to keep going with that confrontation. So the therapist I'm thinking of was newer to the profession, I think probably had not really experienced this before. So I think that's why it was so difficult. And I let them know that I think for clients who were not therapists, it would be very hard for them to bring up this feedback with that type of reaction. So it definitely is something as therapists we need to work on address, and I think. By opening the door in sessions to be like, oh, I think I made a mistake. Even when it's something really small, it lets the client know you're open to receiving feedback. And I say that too, like I say that in my intakes. If you ever have feedback for me, please give it to me. I will never know unless you tell me sometimes. And I always say too, like if it's easier for you to send it in a secure message on the portal or text or whatever. Instead of telling me face to face, I am open to that. Like, whatever makes you feel most comfortable. But I'm trying to help you. Like my goal is always to help you and if you can give me more information on how to do that in a better way or call me out if I've said something offensive to you. I absolutely am open to growth and accepting responsibility, so I feel like. Setting the tone for that initially and then like resetting it by saying, oh, I made a mistake. Let me fix that. You're more likely to get clients feeling comfortable enough to be like, Hey, I didn't like this thing that you said or did, or you pissed me off. And this is the relationship. For everyone where you're modeling a healthy relationship. So once you're able to address that with a therapist and they respond well, it boosts your confidence to do that with other people in your life. Interpersonally, super important. I'm very passionate about this. As a chronically ill person who's seen a lot of doctors and medical providers a lot, I have never had one. Admit that they're wrong. Even if I point it out and I pointed out, trust me, I pointed out to their face in the next appointment in a secure message. I'm not shy about pointing it out. Sometimes I don't have the energy to do so, and we just don't ever see each other again. But yeah, I think. It really does impact you when you're chronically ill, and especially if you have a chronic illness that is invisible or people don't know very much about, like it's hard to find a specialist. Or you live in an area where a specialist hasn't seen your chronic illness very much. They often come across like they're the expert and they know things that they don't know and the things they say can be harmful. I like to educate my providers like, Hey, we're a team. I'm letting you know, I know more about my chronic illness than you, and I always will because I live it every single day. Even if you only see my chronic illness, you do not see me every single day. So you need my input on my symptoms and my course of treatment. But you are the expert on the medical side of it, and I need you to do that piece. Like we're collaborating together. So I actually have a really great relationship with my PCP. Like, we're super on the same page. Uh, I don't think he is done anything that sticks out in my mind that's harmful, but if he did, I surely would bring it up to him and I feel like he would have a good response. But I've definitely had experiences where you. I mean, you're spending so much energy in this appointment, right? And then you get nothing out of it. And then to go back and be like, Hey, what you did was harmful and a waste of my time and energy, and they can't even respond in a validating way or take any responsibility. Like, it's like, great, now I've wasted more energy trying to tell you something and you're not even receptive to it. It definitely impacts me like when an appointment with a new provider isn't going well. Sometimes I just shut down. Or based on past experiences, I might go into the appointment ultra defensive because of this. So I definitely think it's something like medical providers could, work a little bit more on, and I know they have shorter appointment times, they're seeing way more clients than we are. But harm is still being done in the medical office too, and I would love to see providers. Take more responsibility for making mistakes. But anyways, onto the lesson, admitting when you're wrong is a good thing. Nobody's perfect. Hopefully nobody's perfect. Perfect expecting perfection from another person, whether it's a therapist, a doctor, or a friend, or a partner. So. All of us. I think being better at saying I'm gonna take responsibility for this, it wasn't right, can help all forms of relationships. I'm also a relationship specialist. As a therapist. So we talk about accepting responsibility a lot as opposed to being defensive.'cause defensiveness is a super automatic response. We want to say oh, I didn't mean to hurt you. You took it the wrong way. But that's not accepting responsibility and actually harms the relationship. So learning how to say, here's what I can accept responsibility for, or, I did this wrong and here's how I'm gonna fix it. It really can transform, I think, all of your relationships. I think as therapists, it's something we definitely need to be doing. It's good modeling. Like I said, you're gonna build your client's confidence by having a good experience when they can point out a mistake and hear somebody take responsibility for it, instead of being defensive and work together to like make it better. It's gonna give them those skills and the confidence to work on this with other relationships and in general, people feel good when you take responsibility. Even if you really hurt someone, when they hear you say, I'm owning up to this, it's like a sigh of relief. You can see in their body language. The great part of the human experience is that we can do some things over. We can't relive moments over. But especially in relationships, we can say, can I have a do over? I'd like to do this over. I'd like to say this in a different way. Can we start over right now that works in all relationships. All relationships. So if you've got the mindset that once you say something, there's no going back, I would challenge you this week to try to ask for a do over and see how that goes. So the takeaway. Is practice accepting responsibility. It's much easier to do this with little things. So small mistakes like, oh, I forgot to get the milk at the grocery store. I'll stop by tomorrow. So we have that. Like that's not a big thing to take responsibility for. Some people struggle with small things like that, but the more you do those little things, the easier it's going to be when you make bigger mistakes, when someone's actually harmed by a mistake that you've made. So I think beginning this week or forever long you want is trying to be mindful when you've made a mistake and just saying that out loud to the other people that may be affected by it and watch their reactions and note your reaction too. How did it feel for you to say that? How did they seem to respond when you said that? And if you'd like a big challenge in one of your relationships or in therapy this week? Try asking someone to take responsibility. Thanks for joining me on both sides of the couch. If something you heard today resonated, share this episode with someone who might need it. And if you'd like to support the show or find more of my work, check the links in the show notes. Until next time, take care of yourself on both sides of the couch.